From the outside looking in.....

"From the outside looking in, you can’t understand it. From the inside looking out, you can’t explain it."

Does this quote make sense to anyone else but me???  Have you ever felt like you were outside of yourself looking in..watching...a spectator when you want to be in the game??  I don't know why, but that is how I have been feeling lately and it's a strange feeling indeed!!

I am a pretty positive person...anyone who knows me knows that I ususally try to find the positive side in any situation..I will always be like that, it helps me make it through the many ups and downs of life.  But occasionally, I get into a mood of feeling like I just don't belong anywhere.....ever feel like that??

I know, I know..you are saying..but you have a wonderful family, sweet kids, amazing husband and a job...what are you complaining about!!!  Well, I am certainly NOT complaining, I am just searching for that perfect spot in life again.

Up until about 8 months ago Dale had a full time ++++++ job for a company that he really didn't like!  Though I had encouraged him for a very long time to look for something else...he is a very loyal employee and always want to try to make it work, unfortunatly, his company suffered right along with everyone else in this economy and is close to shutting it's doors!!!  So...I said to myself..that's ok, were still on the same schedule I get to pick up the boys early still, he will look for a new job...all will be fine......whoops...my company lays off a bunch of people, I am bumped to 40+ hours, doing the job of 5 people with no raise in pay and almost a year later the job market for my sweet amazing hubby Dale is still DRY!!!

Ok, so I am totally grateful that I have more hours which means more money, but they dont' appreciate how I am running my ass off and am now the backup receptionist which is a LITTLE insulting!!  Plus, I now see my boys for a few mins when I get home, just enough time to give hugs and kisses before I have to make dinner.  I still get time with them after dinner, but NOT enough and it's just not the same.

I used to have time...time to take a walk with my boys, time to choose a recipe for dinner, time to talk to my husband, time to be a friend, time to watch TV, read a book, think!  Now I feel like I am just a spectator while my husband takes the kids to appointments, stays home with them when they are sick, picks them up from school with their smiling faces and running hugs, plays with them, get's to take walks with them, comforts them when they are sad, and now, get's to help coach T-Ball. 

I used to be a good mom and now I feel like I am missing out - not only on the mom stuff, but the friend stuff, the relationship stuff, the true happiness stuff.........I know I will get back to being on the inside looking out...but for now, I just have to figure out how to open the door again!

Happy Birthday to my guardian angel, my sister, my Best Friend.....

It's no secret...I use quotes to help me express the way I feel.  I am able to write a lot of things, but for some reason, when describing the people who mean the most to me, I always need a little help getting across just how much they mean to me!  These quotes express how much I love "my Mel"!!
She is my guiding light, my guardian angel, my savior, my shelter in the storm, my soul sister and my Best Friend in the whole world...and I want to wish her an VERY Happy Birthday!  It's Early, just incase I forget to write it down on Feb 20th...I wish you all the happiness in the world my sweet Mel...as you truly deserve it and more!!!

"In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit"

. ~Albert Schweitzer

When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.

~Henri Nouwen

"Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart”

Eleanor Roosevelt

Moments in Time....

One day you are in the shower...doing what you do while in the shower and suddenly you feel a lump where a lump shouldnt be....what goes through your head at that moment???

1. I am sure it's nothing..mom had lumps and they were just cysts!
2. What if it isn't nothing!
3. What if it's cancer......

Now, never having had a scare like this before, but having been through it with a family member before, a million thoughts went throught my head in the week that I waited to have a mammogram/ultrasound.  These were thoughts that I had never had before, never needed to have before and never want again, but these are thoughts that everyone should have in their lifetime as they put things into perspective...it's just one moment in time, but it's your life!

1. If it's cancer...what will happen to Dale and my boys?
2. How will Dale handle this??
3. How will my boys handle this??
4. How will my family and friends handle this??
5. How will I handle this??
6. I don't want to have cancer!
7. What if I die??

Now..after my initial panic...the thoughts of what I would really do came to light: 

If I have cancer, I will FIGHT it, I will hunt it down and I will BEAT it!  I will support my husband, boys, family and friends in the same way I always have, but I will lean on them for support also.  I will not wallow in the "what if's"...I will be a warrior, a soldier, a fighter and a winner and I will survive to see my boys grow to be men. 

Turns out it was nothing...all was fine, just some lumpy breasts!  But in a strange way, I am glad that it happened, because it reminded me of how precious time really is.  It reminded me of how I should live life to its fullest, how I should never give up, never wallow in self pity, never feel sorry for myself, never forget how lucky I am to have friends, family, love, happiness and most of all... to have life!

These boys are my future, my legacy and I will never forget again how precious and short my time could  be with them...I will cherish and protect it always.....

“It's only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth - and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up, we will then begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had.”
Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

It's the little things in life...

People say these few words all the time "It's the little things in life that matter most", but I never really sat back and thought about just how true that really was until I had kids. 

We went to Prescott for a much needed getaway from life.   My mom watched the boys while Dale and I had our first "date" alone in nearly 7 months (babysitters cost wayyy too much).  We saw Sherlock Holmes and it was WONDERFUL!! It was so nice to be able to sit and hold Dale's hand and watch a movie without worrying about who might spill what and who pinched whom...not that I mind it, I LOVE being mommy, but sometimes it's nice to have a break!!  We had a wonderful weekend just hanging out by the fire, playing outside, seeing Dale's mom and watching TV, but I have to say the very best part was watching my amazing boys play in their first snowfall of the year....it was priceless, and made me think about what truly matters in life!

"Each day is a new canvas to paint upon. Make sure your picture is full of life and happiness, and at the end of the day you don't look at it and wish you had painted something different."

-- Author Unknown

Our sweet Angel Mary...she is now in God's loving embrace....

MB - I promise you that she is watching over you right now...that you are not alone...that you are not an intruder..you are loved....you are family (even when you don't want to be)....and you are very much an inspiration to us all....I love you, you are my guiding light, my savior, my guardian angel, my hope and my sister for life.......

"Angels are the guardians of hope and wonder, the keepers of magic and dreams. Wherever there is love, an angel is flying by. Your guardian angel knows you inside and out, and loves you just the way you are. Angels keep it simple and always travel light. Remember to leave space in your relationships so the angels have room to play. Your guardian angel helps you find a place when you feel there is no place to go. Whenever you feel lonely, a special angel drops in for tea. Angels are with you every step of the way and help you soar with amazing grace. After all, we are angels in training; all we have to do is spread our wings and fly!"

-- Author Unknown

Sadness without Solution....

So I am usually pretty good at fixing things...I see something is broken, I put my mind to it and a little elbow grease...and I get it fixed, but I guess I am only human right...not everything has an immediate solution.  So what do you do when you can't fix it!!!!????

I am struggling right now....my poor, sweet, amazing hubby cannot find a job anywhere, despite all of his time, efforts, dedication and sheer will, he still can't find anything out there and I fear that he is loosing his will to "make it happen" I want to make all of the bad day's go away for him like he did for me so many times in the past with his love, support and understanding of what I was going through.  But I just don't have the tools to fix it!!

It's not easy being a parent, you stuggle daily in your mind about if you said or did the right thing, if your child is getting enough sleep, food, excercise and quality time with the people that matter most. Now add a 2 1/2 year old "ALL BOY" and a 6 year old with Mommy's Emotions to the mix and I think that anyone might loose their mind. So I try to pass off my hubby's short fuse to spending wayyyy too much time dealing with the emotions two young boys, but I worry that his patience are wearing thin and then what do we do???

I love my husband more than anything in this world and I would give up anything for him to be happy, but how do you talk a person into being "positive and upbeat about things" when you aren't really feeling it yourself.  I will never give up on my positive attitude when it come to my family and I know that something will come soon, but man...this is ROUGH!!!

Faith is the bird that sings when the dawn is still dark.

Rabindranath Tagore

Mr. Mom got motivated...what about me???

Ok, so it's the new year and I am supposed to be motivated, energized, thrilled and extatic about the New Year right????  So how come I am NOT???  Don't get me wrong...I have all these plans and ideas about what I would like to do to improve myself:

1. Loose Weight and tone up (anyone have a few extra hours in the day for me to borrow)
2. Eat Better (Guess my popcorn and apples diet isn't working like I had hoped)
3. Be more patient and positive again (I got mad at the copier yesterday for not printing..come to find out I        never sent my document to the printer)
4. Work on being more patient and a better mom to my kiddos (Benny is 2 1/2...NUFF SAID)
5. GET DALE A JOB...HE IS DRIVING ME CRAZY AT HOME!!!

I also think that I might thrive a bit on stress.  I think we all handle stress a bit differently, I don't always handle it perfectly, but I am sooo used to "handling" the household items along with the kids and my job that I don't know what to do with myself now that Dale is home and handling all of that stuff.  Don't get me wrong...I still have PLENTY to do - work keeps me very busy and when I get home at 5:00 I make dinner, play with the kiddos, give them a bath and help put them to bed with Dale, but I never thought our roles would reverse.  Dale is now doing the laundry, cleaning, picking up the boys from School, taking care of the boys and I am making the "money"....using the term "money" very LOOSELY as Dale made about 2 times what I made.  So when I come home, while I still have things to do, I am not as motivated as I used to be, I am more tired and lazy...what's up with that???!!!! 

But enough about my complaints....  People always ask me how we are coping with Dale not having a job yet and believe it or not, I am happy that Dale is getting a break!!!  Dale has worked for as long as I have known him...19 years to be exact...but he started working when he was 15 years old!  He helped build houses, worked retail, scooped ice cream, sold hot dogs and drove a fork lift while paying his way through college and in the last 10 years has been an estimator and a project manager and has never really complained or taken a break...so now it's his turn to relax a bit and let me take the wheel.

So as I go back to look through what I just wrote, I am reminded of how lucky I am and how that ALONE should be my motivation to be better in EVERY way!  I have an amazing family and friends, two adorable healthy and happy boys, a loving, kind and generous husband who is doing everything he can to get back into his comfort zone and a roof over my head...what more could I need???

"How far you go in life depends on your being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving, and tolerant of the weak and strong. Because someday in your life you will have been all of these."

George Washington Carver