From the outside looking in.....

"From the outside looking in, you can’t understand it. From the inside looking out, you can’t explain it."

Does this quote make sense to anyone else but me???  Have you ever felt like you were outside of yourself looking in..watching...a spectator when you want to be in the game??  I don't know why, but that is how I have been feeling lately and it's a strange feeling indeed!!

I am a pretty positive person...anyone who knows me knows that I ususally try to find the positive side in any situation..I will always be like that, it helps me make it through the many ups and downs of life.  But occasionally, I get into a mood of feeling like I just don't belong anywhere.....ever feel like that??

I know, I know..you are saying..but you have a wonderful family, sweet kids, amazing husband and a job...what are you complaining about!!!  Well, I am certainly NOT complaining, I am just searching for that perfect spot in life again.

Up until about 8 months ago Dale had a full time ++++++ job for a company that he really didn't like!  Though I had encouraged him for a very long time to look for something else...he is a very loyal employee and always want to try to make it work, unfortunatly, his company suffered right along with everyone else in this economy and is close to shutting it's doors!!!  So...I said to myself..that's ok, were still on the same schedule I get to pick up the boys early still, he will look for a new job...all will be fine......whoops...my company lays off a bunch of people, I am bumped to 40+ hours, doing the job of 5 people with no raise in pay and almost a year later the job market for my sweet amazing hubby Dale is still DRY!!!

Ok, so I am totally grateful that I have more hours which means more money, but they dont' appreciate how I am running my ass off and am now the backup receptionist which is a LITTLE insulting!!  Plus, I now see my boys for a few mins when I get home, just enough time to give hugs and kisses before I have to make dinner.  I still get time with them after dinner, but NOT enough and it's just not the same.

I used to have time...time to take a walk with my boys, time to choose a recipe for dinner, time to talk to my husband, time to be a friend, time to watch TV, read a book, think!  Now I feel like I am just a spectator while my husband takes the kids to appointments, stays home with them when they are sick, picks them up from school with their smiling faces and running hugs, plays with them, get's to take walks with them, comforts them when they are sad, and now, get's to help coach T-Ball. 

I used to be a good mom and now I feel like I am missing out - not only on the mom stuff, but the friend stuff, the relationship stuff, the true happiness stuff.........I know I will get back to being on the inside looking out...but for now, I just have to figure out how to open the door again!